Last night I cried more than I have in twenty-plus years. I can’t remember when I legitimately cried that hard - balled. Hand curled in a fist held in front of my mouth. Eyes squinted, mouth curled, tears pouring down my cheeks and off of my chin. Trying to hold back whimpers was not only unsuccessful, but impossible. It was as if I was letting years of sadness out, all at once, and it all happened while watching the last 15 minutes of the movie Lion.
[SPOILER ALERT] It’s a fantastic movie of a lost boy in India who’s adopted by an Australian family. 25 years later, he starts his search for his real mother and brother and eventually finds his home town through Google Earth. During his search process, he didn’t tell his adopted parents that he was searching as he thought it’d make them sad and hurt. To the contrary, they fully supported and understood it. This was about the time the tears started flowing. And flow they did. He was united with his real mother, but sadly his brother had died on the night they were separated. I cried even more. A specific quote led me to the downfall of my entire face.
I hope you find her.
~ Adopted mother
I can’t help but think of the similarities between his story and mine. Granted, his is much different in many ways, but the theme of losing your family and wanting to find and reconnect struck a cord in me. And I think the tears obviously lend credence to that belief. Although I never had to physically search for my mother, I am searching for healing and the mental understanding, relationship, and empathy of my loss connection with her.
It’s a hard process, and one that might require 25 years. I started years ago, but I’m hoping writing about it might catalyze that search. Only time and effort will tell.
We all live with trauma and longing (something I’ve lived with since childhood), but we can either continue to live with it or search for understanding and forgiveness and hopefully heal through self-discovery and empathy (something I’ve recently started working towards). This journal, which is turning out to be notes on eventually writing a memoir, are my steps in fulfilling those goals.
Thanks for reading. 🙏🏼
I loved the movie LION. I'm so sorry about your relationship with your Mom. We love you!