Communication is an interesting concept. If I’m being honest, I have to admit that my ego wants to win arguments, prove truths, show that I’m smarter than the person I’m talking to. It seldom works. Most of the time, debates often end in frustration and stress. I’ve learned that few people communicate effectively, myself included. Ironically, by setting ego aside and shutting my mouth to simply listen, I’ve managed to start getting through.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place” - George Bernard Shaw
A couple of months ago, I was in a debate about Self, Being, and Consciousness. My opposition was arguing that there is no Self. There’s only Being and Consciousness. That they were both one and the same. In the beginning, I disagreed. Being implies a Self. “I think, therefor I am.” But “What am I?” if not myself? My-Self. Mind-boggling, I know.
So I asked what his definition of Self was, and how was it different than Being.
He replied with a question: “When you were born, what were you? You hadn’t had any experiences, emotions, or knowledge about anything. So, what were you?”
“Just Consciousness, I suppose.”
“Exactly!”
The basis of his argument started to take form. What we generally think of as Self is really an amalgamation of our experiences, interactions, and learned knowledge. But if you strip all of that away, what’s left is pure Consciousness, or Being. It was a good argument, and an even better way of communicating. He had provided me with a scenario where I had to answer my own question, and it worked. I had never thought about what I was when I first popped out. There wasn’t yet a Self; I had no personality, no experiences, no interactions. There was only a new world that was incredibly bright and terrifying. All I knew how to do was cry and observe.
Consciousness allows you to have a Self, or an illusion of one. Whether or not it’s an illusion is still up for debate, but it seems there is indeed a difference between Self and Being/Consciousness. He had effectively communicated that you can simply Be, without Self. In other words, it’s possible to observe without judgement or opinion or taking things personally.
“So, Stoicism.” I replied.
“Well…”
…
Words mean different things to different people. Another time, I was arguing that “God” didn’t exist, and my opponent was arguing that “He” did. It was getting heated, and neither of us were getting anywhere. A common occurrence in this specific arena, I’m sure. I finally asked the question that I should’ve started out with: “What does God mean to you? Is it an intelligent designer?”
“No, I believe God is just a higher form of energy.” he replied.
“Ok, so that ‘higher form’ isn’t intelligent in any way? It’s just an energy that’s bigger than all of us?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Oh, well I agree with that.” I replied half laughing.
And with that simple question, a half-hour of arguing was put to rest. It was finally over. Something that could’ve been avoided all-together if one of us had posed a simple question: “What the hell are we even talking about?” We both had different definitions, and we both were assuming that the other person was using his own definition. Assumptions like these feed the fire of misunderstanding. If you want to drive yourself and the person you’re talking to absolutely crazy, just yell at each other without first defining what it is you’re actually talking about. It’s guaranteed to work. I promise.
We humans assume things because it’s easy and it saves energy. It’s much easier to not ask. We do it unconsciously all the time and don’t even know that we’re doing it. It just happens. Like water pours from a faucet, assumptions pour from our minds without any filter. Some are true, most are not. It can cause all sorts of problems - and usually does - whether we know it or not. An unquestioned assumption may lead to an incorrect truth. And that truth is then passed to others like handing a water bottle to a friend. A bottle filled with lies, unknowingly.
But if we ask questions in order to gain clarity and understanding, it not only shows an interest in what they’re saying, it also forces them to expand on their own thinking. The core of their argument can be uncovered with a single “What do you mean by …?” or “What does … mean to you?” question, while also showing that you’re listening. That you care. That you’re not just waiting to reply.
Questions are fundamental to effective communication. Without them, we can only assume.
…
Various studies put the percentage of people who actually listen in conversations between 5% - 20%. That’s remarkably low. It shows that the vast majority of people, myself included, never actually get their point across. There’s rarely a resolution or understanding. Time is wasted. Frustration and disconnect is the only gain.
One common reason for this is thinking about what you want to say while the other person is talking. Patiently waiting to spit out a rebuttal before the other person has even finished. I do this regularly, most times without even knowing it: having a truth to tell, but refusing to hear the truth the other person is offering. Their words are shielded by this refusal. I’m no longer speaking with someone, but waiting to speak at them. It’s not communication, but a speech waiting to be given. A lecture waiting to told. A proposal waiting to be understood. Listening to reply, rather than listening to understand.
So what do we do?
To start, shut the hell up - both mentally and verbally. I listened to a great podcast that touched on this topic. The guest’s advice was to try and find the core idea of what the person is trying to say. The essence of their argument. Then, in an elegant and empathetic way, say it back to them - but only after they’ve finished speaking. Show them that you’ve heard them by regurgitating back your understanding of their side. In your own words, repeat their argument. If you don’t understand, ask questions until you do. Asking questions shows empathy and the willingness and effort to understand. It shows that you care. And because you care, they’ll care about what you have to say (hopefully). Now we’re in the realm of communication.
Isn’t that what people want most? To feel heard and understood. It’s what I want. And all we have to do is - nothing. Be quiet. Listen. Actively listen. Our time will come as soon as they’ve finished. Listening first, speaking second establishes trust. Effective communication can’t happen without trust. If you don’t trust the other person, what they say won’t matter. It’ll go in one ear and out the other. Or it won’t ever go in at all, it’ll bounce right back out. Our minds (our Selfs?) can do that.
…
Why do we argue at all? This was a question I asked myself a while back in another argument. All at once, I wondered what I was arguing for. Did I want to get a point across? Was I trying to change their mind? Did I want to help them better understand something? To prove a point? I had forgotten the reason why. It was just happening. Arguing just to argue, without a reason. It’s funny how - or why - that happens. It seems kind of silly in retrospect. My brain was fighting for something; to win, to come out on top, to shut them down. Ego.
Once I asked myself that question, I let him win. And I didn’t die, although it must’ve felt like it at the time or else I wouldn’t have been arguing in the first place. But alas, I’m still here writing about it. Nothing lost, not even pride. In fast, I feel pretty good about it.
On the rare occasion that I do actively listen, feelings of warmth and understanding and joy fill me up inside. Although I can only speak for myself, when the conversation ends it feels like we’re both satisfied, understood, and happy. There’s joy and resolution and a better relationship because of it. We remain friends. We remain family members (not that a bad argument could actually sever kinship - that’s for life I’m afraid - even if one wishes otherwise). In the end, it feels good. And that’s what we’re all after, anyway, right? To feel good.
So listen more, it’ll make you feel good.
Good thoughts! Thanks for sharing! The Bahai faith teaches that we are each created with a brand new soul. The physical realm mirrors the spiritual. For example, when we are developing inside our mother, we don't really need lungs, and eyes to survive inside. But, it is important that we develop all of our body parts correctly for when we are born. We need to have a healthy body to exist, as well as possible, outside the womb. With the soul, we can live our entire life without doing anything to enhance or grow, or even acknowledge our soul. Our soul just won't develop. It will stay in its infancy. Our soul grows and gets stronger with each virtue we learn and express. Surviving difficult circumstances also matures our soul. That is why some Bahais pray for tests. (I'm not quite there yet!) Our responsibility in life is to allow and help our souls to mature, because when we die, that is when our soul enters its realm of spirituality. That is why suicide is not considered a sin, but just a very sad thing because the soul's development is cut short. This is also why there is no hell, just different levels of spirituality. Anyhow, I guess I wanted to share because I just found out about this recently.
I appreciate your thoughtful reflections here. You are a kind and thinking man. The Buddha taught “an arts”, or no-self which is one of his more challenging teaching. It’s fairly easy to consider there is no SOLID self, but to experience “no self” is another matter altogether. We are instead, processes, impermanent and always changing processes. However, he did also teach that there is a continuation... a continuing of Mind, which is understood to be a combination of heart/mind. A most interesting conversation. I like that you are willing to engage in and entertain the conversation. Warm regards...