In college, I took mushrooms for the first time. It was wonderful: we walked around outside the art building, staring at sculptures, playing with shadows, finding shapes and creatures in the cracks of the sidewalk. Our minds were open, accepting, and awestruck at the change in consciousness. A new perspective (and visuals) had been presented to us.
A month or two later, I tried LSD for the first time, and it didn’t nearly go as well. While my friend and I came up, he got a letter stating he was getting kicked out of school. Upon reading it, he became upset and started telling and throwing things around his dorm. I stood there, frozen, wondering what to do, what to say.
“I think I need some time to think.” my friend said.
“No problem. I’ll leave you to it. I’m sorry this is happening to you.” I said, and started back to my own dorm where I proceeded to lay in bed watching Pixar movies. Curled up, a crippling anxiety had taken over, my own consciousness afraid of itself. The only thing to do was escape into a world of joy, animation, and story. It worked to an extent, but it took many hours. I teeter tottered bath and fourth between cute characters on my laptop screen and the possibility that my mind might give out.
The experience left a worry and anxiety that’s stayed with me until now - at least in terms of taking mind-altering substances of that sort. Afraid of my own mind. So, I’ve stayed away for the most part while many of my friends and family have experienced life changing therapy, self-discovery, and new perspectives on life. Nearly 12 years later, I was now open to experiencing again myself (I have since then, but in smaller amounts: micro-dosing). Then, an opportunity presented itself last Friday, and I took it.
In “How To Change Your Mind”, by Michael Pollen, he says:
“Our task in life consists precisely in a form of letting go of fear and expectations, an attempt to purely give oneself to the impact of the present.”
Though some may fear the same thing(s), I think we all experience fear in different ways. For me, anxiety is a slight pressure around my neck and forehead combined with irrational thoughts of worst case scenarios. I get quiet. I don’t share my fears - it’s no one else’s. It’s mine alone to deal with. Sometimes it only lasts a few minutes, sometimes all day. Every time is different. Every time uncomfortable. But every time I’ve also survived.
But what way to confront fear then to experience it directly? To open up to it, to be with it, to accept it. To say I acknowledge you, it’s ok that you exist, rather than compartmentalizing and ignoring it. The ladder of which suppresses it, albeit temporarily (it always come back). The former accepts it, allowing you live in harmony with it. It’s hard, but it works. It worked for me just two nights ago. A first steps of many in self-discovery, overcoming fear, and accepting my mind as it is.
Psychedelics are serious substances. They’re not to be taken lightly. The therapeutic benefit can be tremendous, but the person journeying should take proper care in doing it right: with people they trust, the right environment, and with intention. Not doing so might lead to an experience not unlike my college one on LSD.
Drugs also shouldn’t be the only thing one uses in their journey of self-discovery (some might argue against them entirely). And it’s true - in some cases, substances shouldn’t be used at all. It depends on the individual. Others have found meditation, therapy, writing, social connection, routine, visualization, getting out of your comfort zone, and reading to help in their journey, most of which I also try and practice (except therapy at the moment, which might very well provide the most benefit). What works for one person might not work for another.
The point though, I believe, is to try different things and see what works best. One can’t know the benefits of something if they’re not willing to try it out in the first place. Getting out of your comfort zone are where new possibilities lie, waiting to be found.
Brianna Wiest writes in her book “101 Essays That Will Change The Way You Think” that:
Your habits create your mood, and your mood is a filter through which you experience your life.
Most days I feel stagnant, lazy, like I should be doing more. It’s easy to do my work, then spend the remainder of the day with my brain turned off in front of the TV. Or, if there’s only ‘monkey-work’ on the calendar (work so easy a money could do it), I might throw a movie on in the background while working. I’ve watched a lot of movies. But I’d be lying to say that they’ve all been mind-numbing and worthless experiences. On the contrary, some are great stories where I’ve learned a lot - like with Lion, a movie so moving I wrote an entire article on it. Chef and Begin Again also also favorites.
But there’s a limit to how much benefit one can achieve from a single activity. Unlike meditation, one can’t gain enlightenment from watching movies alone. If we could, I’d certainly be up there with the Dalai Lama. But alas, I’m just a decent movie picker and critic for friends and family.
I’d hoped my ‘trip’ might help loosen that feeling of ‘not doing enough’, to achieve more. It did, but not in the way I was expecting. It showed me how much awe, euphoria, and amazement can be felt - what’s possible. Amazement so intense that your body shakes in excitement. I’d like to experience that daily, just without any substances. I’d like to experience it in the daily work that I do. I obviously can’t live my life on mushrooms everyday (nor would I want to!). Excitement and awe and euphoria are everywhere. We simply have to look, to explore, to wonder. I believe it can be found, but only if you search for it.
I’ve begun the search again. Not that I had stopped entirely before, but it has certainly been put on the back burner. In its stead a constant stream of moving pixels, a matrix of my own building. To get out, I must travel more, write more, read more, experience more. But first, I must put down the remote and leave my living room. Ideas are nothing without action.
Thanks for reading.
Good luck with your searching! Sounds like you are on the right track! I ate mushrooms once that my roommate gave me. I hated it because I could not stop laughing. Life was very serious for me and I was sooo uncomfortable laughing, especially for "no reason"! LSD seems too scary for me. I tried some really clean cocaine one day with a boyfriend but although I was buzzing and it took me three days to come down, he did not think I was high enough, so he kept telling me to take more. We literally split a film canister. I weighed 97 lbs. I realized later that the "under reaction" was because I am ADHD, so stimulants do not stimulate me normally. I think being ADHD that day saved my life, or I would have had a heart attack. I ate pot with another boyfriend, but one day, after eating some, we went to a restaurant and I felt cold and angry. If I'd had a gun I would have shot anyone within eyesight for no reason. This scared me. I'm pretty sure now that the pot probably did not have anything to do with that reaction, but I decided not to do it again, and I have never felt that way again.
I have had A LOT of therapy, but you have to find a therapist who really resonates with you, if you go that route. I sometimes interviewed literally 100s of therapists before finding one who I thought could help me. The most useful therapeutic experience I had was with a therapist who use EMDR with me. That stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. I made a list of my top 29 "issues" in no particular order. We started at the top and went through the whole list eventually. My therapist waved an ink pen side to side in front of my face and I followed it with my eyes and I recalled a painful memory. I just free-thought and associated. My therapist would pause and I would tell her any insights I'd had (if any). Eventually I conquered most of my issues in a very short time. Obviously they never ALL go away.
What EMDR does is it allows the brain to process negative or traumatic events correctly in the brain, between both halves of the brain (I think). Trauma is a negative experience that has not been processed correctly. So, the trauma that produces repetitive, compulsive, anxiety and catastrophic thinking is reprocessed in a more balanced way. You don't forget what happened, but instead of reliving the trauma and it controlling your life, it has no more influence (on me) than a normal trip to the grocery store. I remember the trip, but it is as impactful as a normal trip to the grocery store. Now that may not be a good example for you, maybe think of going on a walk, or a drive if going to the store is stressful. Anyhow, I certainly admire your openness and thoughtfulness. I love reading what you have to share, and being able to share back.